Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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