Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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