I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
