It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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