Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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