what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
