just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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