I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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