Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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