connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
