Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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