I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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