you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
