I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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