I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
