saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
