ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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