there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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