I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
