I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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