Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
