somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
