Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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