I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
