Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
