i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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