Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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