you have to choose: penises or morals?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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