you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
