Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Someone came in the potted fern
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
