bring money and cleavage
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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