Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You're a waste of cheezeits
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
