I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
