hotel room ftw
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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