pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
