New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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