Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
