Can i not drive my cunt home
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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