First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
