someone threw a dead crab at me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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