my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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