I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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