If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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