u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
