She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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