So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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