apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
