My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
