The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
