Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well I just put wine in my tea
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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