you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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