I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
